This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
