Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
