now i know why i became what i already was.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
