hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize