dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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