Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have aggressive nipples.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize