And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
