We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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