My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
