Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
