I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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