Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
