I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
