....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My cat gives me a boner
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
