I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize