he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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