Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
