I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
