Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
