Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
