I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
