There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize