I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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