Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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