take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
