I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
