Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I touched a dick in church today
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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