yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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