my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize