the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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