I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Two words: blizzard sex
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
