Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
