I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
