my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
