Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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