did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
