All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
