I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Randomize
