can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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