Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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