I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Success! We fucked roommates!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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