It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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