I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
