Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
