I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
