If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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