you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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