For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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