Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
