But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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