Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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