my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
