I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
