so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
