organizing the empties. That sober.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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