there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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