a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
