I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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