I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
